WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing frustration with the matriarch’s feigned affection, local man Andrew Reed was slighted Wednesday by his supposedly loving grandmother, Edna, who couldn’t even be bothered to remember his name, age, or job. “I call bullshit on this whole ‘unconditional love’ thing if you can’t even remember the most basic things about me,” said Reed, noting that his grandmother didn’t even notice when he walked in the room. “We’re putting on this big birthday party for you, and you can’t even lift your head to make eye contact with us. She’s always going on about how much she loves me and that I’m her favorite, but it’s all a front. Get the hell out of here.” At press time, Reed said he was “done with” his grandma when she vomited on herself after seeing a photo of his new girlfriend.
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