While some parents feel they have to muscle it out and stay married for their children, the best ones make a healthy decision to throw in the towel and break it off once and for all. Here are things you’ll only understand if your parents were divorced.
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Sad Thanksgiving
Sad Thanksgiving
Every child of divorce knows that there’s Regular Thanksgiving, and then there’s Sad Thanksgiving a few hours later. Try not to leave extra room.
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Being Featured In Divorced Children’s Monthly
Being Featured In Divorced Children’s Monthly
Past covers have been graced by the Kardashians, Bill and Melinda Gates, plus both Lindsay Lohans from The Parent Trap.
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Shelby’s A Fucking Bitch
Shelby’s A Fucking Bitch
That home-wrecking 22-year-old slut who scanned IDs at your dad’s gym and is now sleeping in your mother’s bed wants to be friends?! What a fucking skank…
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Dads Suck At Breastfeeding
Dads Suck At Breastfeeding
When it was dad’s night to take the kids and breastfeed them, he wasn’t as good at it as mom.
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Using Your Unique, Traumatic Experience To Create Incredible Art
Using Your Unique, Traumatic Experience To Create Incredible Art
As a child of divorce, you have faced unique hardships growing up that no one else could understand, but fortunately, these unparalleled challenging experiences prepared you to make the most amazing art the world has ever seen.
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Eventually Falling In Love And Marrying Your Step Sibling
Eventually Falling In Love And Marrying Your Step Sibling
Look, anyone who thinks it’s weird clearly isn’t a child of divorce, because it’s not like you’re related by blood or anything.
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More Presents Equals More Clutter
More Presents Equals More Clutter
Getting two separate sets of holiday gifts may sound nice, but in reality, it leads to a lot of clutter, especially for an 8-year-old looking to downsize.
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The Ending Of Mulholland Drive
The Ending Of Mulholland Drive
While other viewers may puzzle over the nightmarish vision of tiny old people emerging from a paper bag and crawling under a door, anyone from a broken home will immediately understand the symbolism—and what to do with the blue key.
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When Your Dad Had To Sleep On The Roof
When Your Dad Had To Sleep On The Roof
Ugh. Any time mom and dad had a big fight, you knew you were going to go outside the next day and see dad sleeping with a pillow against the chimney.
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Having To Celebrate Two Christmases, Eight Halloweens, And Three New Years
Having To Celebrate Two Christmases, Eight Halloweens, And Three New Years
If your parents split up, then you’ve inevitably gotten two sets of Christmas presents, gone trick-or-treating eight days straight, and watched the ball drop in Times Square three separate times.
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Constantly Getting Hit In The Head By Wedding Rings
Constantly Getting Hit In The Head By Wedding Rings
While you definitely had some welts on your forehead at first, you eventually got pretty good at ducking when your mom took off her wedding ring and hurled it at your dad from across the room.
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Climate Change Is A Major Issue
Climate Change Is A Major Issue
It doesn’t directly relate to their parents’ separation, but still, any kid of divorce knows that climate change is real, and it may be too late to do anything about it.
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Having To Go To Two Separate Dance Recitals
Having To Go To Two Separate Dance Recitals
Trekking across town from your mom’s jazz performance to your dad’s interpretive tap recital was hard enough when they were married.
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Writing And Performing An Original Song For The Judge
Writing And Performing An Original Song For The Judge
Every kid with divorced parents remembers the heart-pounding jitters from waiting their turn in the courthouse to sing in front of the judge, who will determine the custody and visitation agreements accordingly.
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You Had To Hit Puberty Milestones Twice
You Had To Hit Puberty Milestones Twice
Getting your first period or ejaculating on yourself while you slept was always an endeavor, because you had to do it twice, otherwise one parent would feel left out.
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Your Parents Tug-O-Warring On You So Hard That Your Arms Both Rip Off
Your Parents Tug-O-Warring On You So Hard That Your Arms Both Rip Off
Custody hearings were hard enough without your parents arguing over visitation days, grabbing both your hands, and pulling so hard they tear both your arms straight off, shooting blood everywhere.
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Doing JibJabs With Your Parents Faces To Imagine Them Back Together
Doing JibJabs With Your Parents Faces To Imagine Them Back Together
Sorry if Mrs. Doubtfire and The Parent Trap set you up for unrealistic expectations, but putting your parents’ faces on the dancing bodies of George Bush and Al Gore is just sad.
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Being Too Afraid Of Future Rejection To Truly Connect With Another Human On An Intimate Emotional, Mental, Or Sexual Level, So Much So That You Form Your Entire Personal Identity Around It, Lord It Over Everyone You’ve Ever Met, And Never Truly Heal
Being Too Afraid Of Future Rejection To Truly Connect With Another Human On An Intimate Emotional, Mental, Or Sexual Level, So Much So That You Form Your Entire Personal Identity Around It, Lord It Over Everyone You’ve Ever Met, And Never Truly Heal
Fun!
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Anything Can Fill The Void
Anything Can Fill The Void
That PS5 you got for your birthday is the new patriarch of the family for the next 3 to 5 years.
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